If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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