he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
