Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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