hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
