fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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