Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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