Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
