Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
