He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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