i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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