Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
