if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
