I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
