Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
