when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
