Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
