Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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