why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
