The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
