dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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