Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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