I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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