My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
