so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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