She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
