Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
