i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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