i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
it was like eating out sand paper
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
