Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
