Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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