Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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