She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
