Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
