Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
