Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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