Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
