are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
