Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
