"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
