There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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