so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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