My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
