I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
