i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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