I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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Walk of Shame today included voting.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
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We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.