This is not my ceiling
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements