got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?