Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
