i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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