I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In other news, I just burned my penis
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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