Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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