Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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