Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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