it was like his penis was on wheels.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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