my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
