im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
